Mother refuses to give adult daughter her own birth certificate and passport sparking a family disagreement about their ownership: 'She said that they aren't mine legally [but] they are'

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Nov 26, 2025 12:00 PM EST

When you're a parent, it can be hard to let go. You go through the process of figuring everything out as they grow, with so many changes and responsibilities changing over time. Just as soon as you have everything figured out and the responsibility is peaking, suddenly it's time to start letting all of it out. Almost like a rope that you've been hauling in for their entire life suddenly needs to be thrown back overboard. There's definitely a better sailing metaphor in here somewhere, but throwing all of that rope out when you've worked so hard to pull it in feels unnatural. Hanging onto things, be it responsibilities, decisions, or documents, becomes a way to maintain both connection and control over something that you're quickly losing control over. But as with anything, it's just a part of the tides of life, and you need to learn to let go.

As your kids get older, it's important to realize that they are going to—no, need to become fully fledged adults who are able to make it all on their own. And, I think a lot of parents are so determined to hang on to what they have that they actually stunt their kids' development. Too much clinging on and not letting them figure it out for themselves is how you wind up with people like your freshman roommate from college, who literally wasn't able to care for or feed themselves.

All of this being said, who among us actually knows where their birth certificate is? 

I'm fairly certain that mine is actually safely tucked in my parents' filing cabinet along with other important documents that I've never used or needed. But it's hard to say, and I haven't laid eyes on it in years. 

My mother might be a little bit reluctant to let them go, were I to come around asking for them, she might even react like this mother here. And there is some truth to the fact that your birth certificate, social security, and the like were issued to your parents, but you barely existed, and at a certain point, it's safe to say that they can be considered yours. But you have to know that it's coming from the right place, and sometimes it's just a little hard letting go.

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  • 01

    "AITA for not giving my mother my own birth certificate, SS card, and passport back?"

    When I moved out of my mom's house, I took my birth certificate, Social Security card and passport. The passport I've had paid like $200 for recently I asked her if she had my high school diploma and if I could have it so I could get back into school she said that she would
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  • 02
    A mother holds her young daughter as they laugh together
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    The image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 03
    look, but she got really mad that I had my own birth certificate, Social Security card and passport and said that they aren't mine legally they are and I told her that she says that I can get a copy but I can't have the originals and I need to give them
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  • 04
    back. I told her no she's more than welcome to get a copy but as for the originals, they are mine she doesn't need them unless she's trying to do fraudulent stuff. I told her if she can get me a copy that's fine but I will not pay for it. I heard
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  • 05
    it's a tricky process and I don't want to do that because I have the originals anyway to sum it up. I ended up telling her I'm not going to give you my birth certificate, Social Security card and passport especially the passport since I paid for it because she has no necessity or legal right to it.
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  • 06
    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: I told my mom I would be keeping my birth certificate, Social Security card and passport. She said that they aren't mine and that I need to give them back. I feel like it could be the asshole because she did birth me but at the end of the day it is my passport and birth certificateand Social Security card and she wouldn't need them in any sort of circumstances because I am completely independent now
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  • 07
    NTA Tdluxon You didn't say your age but it sounds like you are an adult, in which case there is no reason why your mom would need any of those things and there are plenty of reasons you should have them (if you want to travel, you will need your passport, etc.). Not sure if she is trying to pull something shady or is just weird but they belong to you and there's no reason that she should have them or needs them (or your diploma).
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  • 08
    OP Pure-Ad8049 I'm 20 and have lived on my own since I was 18
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  • 09
    drinking-up-the-tea If you're old enough to move out those documents are yours to keep. Why does she want them so badly?
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  • 10
    OP Pure-Ad8049 I'm not a psychologist by any means, but I suspect my mother to be a covert narcissist, which would mean that she sees me as an extension of herself, and not an autonomous being and so some reason she thinks that she has a right to all of my things other than that, I have no clue unless she's trying to do fraudulent things
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  • 11
    NTA [deleted] \> I ended up telling her I'm not going to give you my birth certificate, Social Security card and passport especially the passport since I paid for it because she has no necessity or legal right to it. Am guessing you are an adult- your mom no longer has any right to your documents unless you want her to have them. Make sure you do a thorough credit check and see if she has opened any cards/accounts under your social security number. Good luck OP.
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  • 12
    OP Pure-Ad8049 How do I go about the credit check?
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  • 13
    Icy_Department_1423 NTA. You are an adult now and need your original documents. Contact your high school for copies of your records. I find it really weird that your mother insists on having all of your original documents and trying to say that they don't belong to you. They do. Is there any chance she would be up to anyhing nefarious, like opening credit in your name? Or does she think you're too irresponsible to hold on to your own documents?
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  • 14
    OP Pure-Ad8049 I don't know why she would think that I have lived on my own since I was 18 never had to ask for help with bills or anything
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  • 15
    celticmusebooks You don't give your age but your mom is absolutely wrong. Those documents are YOURS-- and under no circumstances should you return them. Is there a trusted adult you can talk to or a school counsellor who can walk you through how to lock down your credit with all three credit bureaus? If you have any sort of bank account with your mom's name on it I'd recommend withdrawing all of the money and getting a separate account. I know she's your mom but that sounds sketchy as hell and R
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  • 16
    OP Pure-Ad8049 I'm 20 I'll have to ask my dad for help on the credit check
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  • 17
    NTA. Ducky818 If you are a legal adult, your mother has no need for your birth certificate, SS card, or passport. Don't even suggest ways to her for how to get one. I would check your credit file and possibly your SS file. Who knows what your mother has been up to.
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  • 18
    OP Pure-Ad8049 How do I go about that
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  • 19
    sugarlump858 NTA. 1. Your BC IS a copy already. The original is kept in the county clerk's office. 2. Your SS card is yours legally, never hers. Tell her to check with Social Security Administration. It was yours the moment they issued it. She kept it safe for you, but it was never HERS. 3. Your passport is actually owned by the US government (assuming you are a US citizen, but I believe the rules are the same across the globe). They give it to you to use, but it must be returned to the US Gov u
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  • 20
    Mykona-1967 Legally she can't even request a copy of your an adult. Once a minor turns 18 all documents like a birth certificate, social security card and passport are the property of the person listed on the item. The only way anyone else can get a copy is if the owner requests a copy or they have a POA. It doesn't seem like this is the case so these documents are for your use and mom has no reason to keep them. Same goes for a diploma. You can however ask for a transcript from your school and
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  • 21
    lamIrene >she got really mad that I had my own birth certificate, Social Security card and passport and said that they aren't mine legally Weird hill for her to die on...she's 100% wrong, of course. NTA.
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  • 22
    This. NTA. Loop_Adjacent I would also check your 3 credit bureaus and lock them all. (Just don't lose the password as it's a pain to reset). If you find anything on your credit and it was due ti your mother, press charges. That will get them off your report and your responsibility.
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